Have you ever been fumbling through papers that you haven’t thrown away yet? Have you ever found an old letter that you wrote years before and then never sent? I believe I wrote this one about 6 years ago. It makes me appreciate how time does change. Often it is for the best. If I ever wondered if I did the “right thing”, I’ll just re-read this and know that God did indeed have a plan for me.

I needed this anyway.
Thank you dearest Jen for being the red hot safety pin in my ass so that I would do this.
Isn’t this where I unload like a socially warped South Korean kid?
Kayla’s Kommunist Day-Kare Center has been busting at the seams.
One friend showed up cracked out at eleven at night, talking about how some black guys had a gun to his head. Mel won’t let him crash at her place so he figured he could always crawl over here. Of course he can. How could I say no? I think I may very well be the only person alive who truly loves him. He loves me too. Only he love-loves me, and I  sister-love him. So he sits on my couch playing Tiger Woods golf for a few days. I do not like to run a rehab arcade.
Eventually I just put him in my car and took him home.
Shortly be fore he left my mother arrived.
Devin was over in the park this weekend.
The chopping of the guillotine.
It’s takes me three days to continue this.
My second project of two was due on Tues. But… Screw #1- my babysitter ended up having me watch her four month old baby while she cried on my couch over muscle spasms in her back.

I started out right. I do the right things. I do what Sarah McComber might do if she were making such decisions. She would be nice and kind and help her friend. So I helped my friend even though it was hurting me.

Then my mom needed help moving her stuff. She’s my mom, and she like 51, I can’t have her moving her big TV by herself.  Screw #2-  about eight or ten other people wandered in and out. Not a single one called me first. I think my phone ended up being shut-off that day anyway.
I paid ahead on the bills 5 months ago. My boyfriend just had to start paying when they caught up again. But that would be okay because he would be collecting unemployment. But he blew all the money out his bung-hole, now everything is back to at “shut-off” again. What!?
Didn’t I just do the right thing here? I paid my bills in advance?
He was finally  stupid enough for me to break up with him, but by the time I got a chance to, I was too tired.
Sorry guys, no more all-nighters until ALL my kids are as old as yours. You guys have kids that can wake up and take care of themselves.
Not I, said the cat.
For today… today I will try again to get my homework done that was due a long time ago.
You wanna know what frustrates the dickens out of me?
That I am a great writer. Most anything I try to, I can get published. I have wonderful, original, creative ideas. My teachers are all so excited to help me get my class work published.
It’s good shit that I’ve been writing and I’m damn proud of it.
But my two youngest are too high maintenance right now.
Oh I know. Don’t say it. Don’t say “Your boyfriend should watch them.” Because he should. and he could, but usually he won’t. Even if he is actually sober enough he’s not paying any attention to those kids. He’s playing a video game and my children and house will be a frantic wreck by the time I’m home. And because I know this- I can’t write. Because even though a Writer is the first thing I ever was, a Mama is the most important
My babies are only so vulnerable for a short time and then never again will I hold them like this.
She has been so upset over getting her hair ALL chopped off. But I finally made it right. I spiked it up into a mohawk, and now she loves it. She thinks she has the best hair now. Yeah! Is she my junior or what?

I’m not in love.

Okay I  am. I’m so in love with my children. I love it that I have three. It just makes it so much cooler. Like 3 times as cool as it was before kids. Now, I’m my own posse. We roll four deep like that. Sometimes five, but usually four deep.
I’ve been threatening myself with getting a job.
Anything can happen right?
I’m a kind of lousy employee though.
I’ll figure something out.
Speaking of out.
I took out all my jewelry for an MRI and of course it scattered before I could get it all in right. Now I am walking around “piercing- less” until I can replace this plethora of 10 gauge rings with 12 gs.
I think I may have cleared my mind of it webs enough to work on “Really Important Writing”
I did it Jen.
And I’ll do it again, too.
A bit at a time I am scraping him off from my back.
I would have spell checked but the baby is awake.