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I gotta be me, or I'll explode!

I gotta be me, or I’ll explode!

Kayla has a Welfare Confession. Why not share my most intimate thoughts and intentions with unlimited, random strangers? Because what other people think of me, not only does it not define me; it does not affect me. Perhaps, someone else reads the following blog and thinks, “Huh, so that’s why it’s okay to be different.” Or perhaps, “Huh, I’m not so different after all.”

Now, I would never recommend coffee, chemicals, chaos, and cookies as major food groups; but as my sensei would say, “they’ve always worked for me.”

An insane genius once told me, “The best thing about falling apart, is that you can put yourself back together any way you want to.” I have held those words to me as close as scripture. I have repeated them over and over every time I have fallen apart.

I’ve lost all my possessions several times.  I left my house, and when I came back, I owned no furniture, no dishes, no clothes, no jewelry, no music, no journals, no pictures, and no every single thing I had ownership of. Someone else thought they deserved my stuff more than me.

I’ve lost my body a few times, literally.

I even lost my religion.

The stuff has all been replaced with new stuff. It overflows an entire house and garage. My body has healed. I have a personal relationship with my pain threshold. I have pills and tablets, and PT for all the rest.

Even when I stopped believing in God, He never stopped believing in me.

I’ve been working hard at breaking recovery records these past twenty years. I refused to be defined by that one vehicular incident on November 6, 1994. That was a waste of time. I was not defined, but re-defined.. Unfortunately, I’ve been digging in my heels trying to rebuild a new Me, out of parts I don’t have any more. That is so dang stressful!

Suddenly, I am forty years old. Now, I know myself very well. I know where my gifts lay. I know that I am unconditionally loved by the Creator. I have worth, and strength you still haven’t seen inside me!

Money is not so much one of those strengths. In all honesty, which is the only way I can operate anymore because of short-term memory loss (God’s got jokes), I don’t like money. I can understand its definition. To me its value is a social construct. It only has value because we all agree it should. Eh, I don’t agree it should. It’s just money. Money is common.

Now, making a good pot of coffee is a skill. Making twelve pots of coffee at once makes me an artist. Trust me, you’d rather I was making coffee at church, or writing something profound; then have me miscount your change at the gas station, or enter in your insurance billing information wrong.

I am undependable, unreliable, and often late.  I forget everything. There is only a micro-thin veil between what I should say and what I actually say. For everyone’s sake, please don’t hire me.

To make a short story long, I am dancing right off the track to the rat-race. I am done working my ass off for peanuts so someone else can get rich from my labor. I don’t want to be a Capitalist. Capital has never applied to me, or anyone else in my family. I’m done with employers making me dress like a jerk. I’m done I’m done with the feeling of failure and rejection every time I lose yet another job. I’m done with the self-loathing that comes from not being home to raise my own children.

I live a much richer life working for God. I invest in a life that places value on people, and life. I love my home. I have wonderful children. I have an extra wonderful husband. I have the best dog I ever met. I have deep relationships with profound people. I have God. I have a spiritual leader in Jesus Christ. I have hands to write with, and ideas I can communicate. Those are the things that I judge my success by.

Other people are good at money. I’m not. I don’t care that I still don’t have a smart phone. I’m done feeling guilty every time I can’t afford something simple. It will not hurt me in any way that you’re offended if I need public assistance to support myself and my kids.

Why? Because I know what I have to work with, and I am doing a heck of a lot of good with it. The great Lord has me exactly where I need to be. As long as I’m living right by God, the rest of life falls sacredly into place. That’s what it’s all about. Every one wants to feel like they are doing the right thing for the right reason. Now, go for it.