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Deep thoughts with Nina Simone.

The quandary persists.

To be abused by Christopher Trainor & Assoc. v.  State Farm Insurance,

or take my chances. Jump ship. Fire CT&A and hire Sinas Dramis to defend me.

I will be taking a long term risk in exchange for a short term sell-out. So I called the best attorney in the biz. She said she’d ask her partners if she can take my case. (fingers crossed)

Doh! I’m too close to my court date to change attorneys. Hazel really did sympathize with me for my pathetic lack of legal council from Christopher Trainor & Assoc.

I tried standing up to my attorney to tell him what he needs to do before court on Tuesday. My fate is up in the air. Or perhaps, this legal torment may finally end.

All I ever wanted was to get my dang teeth fixed. Bureaucracy hates me.

Once again, I am bullied, called a liar, and basically run through for having head injuries. News Flash- The closed head injuries did not affect my IQ. For a brain that was medically determined to be unuseable, my body somehow rebuilt it for survival and kept the rest of my body functioning enough to stay alive. I am not stupid.

But my teeth are still falling out of my face!

The least I can hope for is I get my teeth finally fixed. It would be nice to have a whole smile again. More importantly, I would like to eat food that isn’t soft and only room temperature.

I hate being a victim. I tried to take control. By the time I figured out what the heck was going on, it was too late to change it.

Judge Teresa Brennan is judging like a boss. She has no problem telling lawyers they are fucktards. She knows the law better than any of them, yet they ALL act like they can get away with bending laws in front of her. What idiots! This judge is an uber pro! Attorneys hate her if that gives you any idea of how awesome she is. I can tell she is on my side.

*sigh.

I wish I were tougher. Money makes people tough. When someone has more money than me, it means I have to submit to whatever they want or say. It does. Don’t say it doesn’t. Your boss at work? He is only an authority figure because he makes more money than you.

And the politicians, physicians, and academics who make more money than me, will tell me what should be important. They would know. They make more money than me. Education? I have more education than many people I know. But they make more money than me, so their thoughts and opinions count for more.

It only takes one tiny ‘thwack’ on my fingers, and my family falls off the capitalist ladder. We are barely holding on to our rung. At any second we could fall off and plummet to the floor.

I am not so unlike the homeless women I made a project to help. I can help them keep themselves clean. The only difference between me and them is- I’m making my rent. Not really. Actually, barely. Honestly, if we weren’t renting from a dear Christian friend we would be fighting for space on a shelter floor. Me and the girls would probably get to stay on the floor in a corner somewhere. Sean might not get to stay. Women and children first.

I do not visualize a grandiose future. I envision us alive another day. I think I can manage that. Kids college? Me and Sean’s senior income after we are too old to work? It isn’t on the table yet. Of course I know that these are the things I am supposed to aim for.

But my goals are not the same as everyone else’s. It takes me fifty times more effort to make it through day to day than a normal healthy person would. I have to make it look like I’m not having to try harder, too.

I have faith in God. I have committed my life to his cause, which is unconditional love to every living person on earth. I am working for God, and God is working for me. That’s all I have, but I’m keeping it.

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